give a little bit...

ah, yes - Supertramp said it so well...give a little bit...

just a little bit...but once you crack open that door, be prepared for it to be shoved wide open...and then what?

it's not "to be or not to be", but "to trust or not to trust"...I have trust issues - everyone that knows me will attest to that! and I don't just mean with the opposite sex - this applies to friends and family...I know, how sad to always be suspicious of everyone - but my "conspiracy theory" has proven true more times than not...paranoid? maybe...after all, at some point in your life, someone is really "out to get you"...and after the so-called "loved ones" I've had recently in my life, I have every right to trust no one! One was even childish enough to threaten to kill me (no worries, but *if* bad things start to happen to me or I do meet my demise mysteriously - we'll know where to look first!)...like I can honestly be to blame for his problems! Some people should really look inward when they can't get their crap together...

I think the root of my problem is I'm worried about being able to trust myself...kind of like if you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else...well, mine is if I don't know myself, how can I know and trust anyone else? Sounds dumb, but the closest I can think of to compare it to is...well, remember the scene from Runaway Bride, where Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts what kind of eggs she likes and she can't answer because she's just always liked whatever the man in her life at that time liked...I can completely relate - I don't know what kind of eggs I like the best...silly analogy, but it's the best I can come up with...

I have learned some things in my short lifetime so far - once a cheat, does not means always a cheat (most of the time, but not always), but are you willing to be the one to test it? It's like being an experimental drug test subject - not all "guinea pigs" will have adverse side affects, but are the rewards worth the risks? Something to definitely consider - especially with relationships, romantic or otherwise - does the benefit outweigh the potential emotional heartache and betrayal...particularly if there is a history of it...too bad they don't make a risk-assessment program to load pros and cons and spit out a result...only in the movies!

ask yourself this - is it fair to you to constantly worry if someone will betray you, so much so that you can't enjoy being in their company without that nagging thought running in the back of your mind? goodness no - where is the pleasure in that?

here's my for instance, taken straight from the pages of my life - I thought I had made a non-local (ok, ok - an online) friend (and I don't make friends easily - something to do with not trusting people...go figure). This was someone to just talk to and learn more about...completely innocent...and yet, after some quite pleasant conversations about politics, friends, and travel, that particular person "disappeared off the face of the earth." Literally - email address is no longer valid, etc. My thoughts? well, I believe this was just someone pretending to be someone they are not, duh...reason - who the hell knows? it's not like I'm some highly important person or knows any confidential military secrets...I didn't reveal any deep, dark secrets other than I like to bake, but hell, they could have read this blog and found that out instead of going through all of that unnecessary effort...and of course, how mature can that person really be? maybe it was a (and yes, I'm going to be politically incorrect and stereotype) pimply-faced pre-pubescent teenage boy looking for some kicks or some middle-aged, mid-life crisis bound person (I'm thinking woman, since they were too well-spoken to be male - yes, yes, bad me for stereotyping - there *are* some well-versed men in the world) with nothing better to do than to kill some time in their lonely life...am I pissed off? just a wee bit (haha no pun intended)...but mainly because I broke my cardinal rule and actually started to trust a little bit - I figured this person was on the other side of the country and it was incredibly unlikely to ever meet in person, so what did it matter?...but I guess technically, this person could actually be in the same city I'm in...I'm mad at myself for being gullible because I KNEW something just didn't sit right, but at least I'm not as pathetic as the fake friend!

yes, I have trust issues - I always think people have a hidden agenda...is it normal? no... is it right? no... but it's just the way I am...don't pity me though - while the saying is "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," I'll stick to "trust no one"...and just give a little bit...