I just don't know....

I think I have a problem - with relationships...

yes, I'm "exposing" myself and my inner thoughts!

just to jump to the chase, I'm divorced (well, almost)....and I promised myself that I would only be married once - dumb and childish, maybe, but I'm stubborn like that. So, one and only marriage up - but I never said I wouldn't date or be in a relationship, or even go as far as to live with someone (maybe).

I'm currently in a relationship, but I realized something the other day - I live for stress...and when I'm stressed, the first thing I sacrifice is my relationship. I've discovered that I want a relationship on my terms - when I want the "closeness," I want it right then, but when I don't, I want to pretty much be left alone. Selfish? Most definitely, but I spent 7 years never being me or having what I truly wanted. Prior to that, I always prided myself in being the "perfect" girlfriend. I would lose myself to appeal to my significant other. And to be quite honest, I enjoy being independent and alone *some* of the time.

I can appreciate the guy I'm seeing now - though all of this is hugely unfair to him - since he realizes that I am flaky when it comes to the relationship. We agreed to take it one day at a time because I just don't know what I want or what I can handle. I can hear the girls now sighing and saying "oh, you have a sweet guy - don't screw it up and lose him." Well, I can't guarantee that - I told him from the beginning that I didn't know what I wanted and that I choose to take things slow. But I don't ever go slow, in anything! So we speed up and then slow down, back and forth, and he still sticks around. Maybe he's just a glutton for punishment? I don't know - I have no complaints - we'll just have to see how things progress. The good news is that even if we aren't in a relationship, we agree that we should always remain friends. We just get along too well...

I know, I know...it's one of those - "it's not you, it's me" issues, but it really is...I'm just that stubborn and that independent and just so unready for anything. I want to make a name for myself in my career and with all of the things that have happened to me in the past year, that is my focus - what keeps me going every day. Am I a workaholic? Yes - but it's one of those people that enjoy it - always wanting a goal, a challenge, willing to work the crap out of themselves to advance. That's me and I don't mind...

and now I feel better, having vented a little!